Post Traumatic Stress

Posted on Sun Sep 25, 2016 @ 11:53pm by Captain Maritza Soran & Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett M.D.

2,238 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: Things Past
Location: Sick Bay
Timeline: Pangaea MD15 1600

::ON::
It was the visit she was least looking forward too. Maritza saw Noelle Bennett walking through her section o sickbay, and her heart sunk. But the psychiatrist was an essential part of recovery. It couldn't be avoided.

"Good morning, doctor Bennett," She said as the woman entered the room.

"Good morning," Noelle returned with a smile. "Feel free to call me Noelle if you like. Mind if a spare peek at your vitals?" Bennett could have done so without asking as the bio bed's readings were easily in view, but Noelle didn't want to be rude and treat Soran like a specimen.

"Be my guest." Even with her limited knowledge, the basic readings were obvious; body temperature, blood pressure, pulse, were all within normal. And she'd been assured that her brain chemistry was within normal parameters, though there were multiple lesions sites around her emotional centres that would require regeneration.

"Thanks," Noelle replied. Bennett turned her attention to the readings above Maritza's bed and with a quick glance, she confirmed all readings were within normal limits. She didn't doubt the rest of the medical staff is capable of caring for her, but it was force of habit as a physician. Noelle pulled a nearby chair closer to the bed and sat, asking, "How are you feeling?"

Well that was a loaded question. After a long wait, Maritza said, "Angry."

Noting the time it took to settle on her answer, Noelle offered a slight nod to encourage Maritza to share more.

"Furious even. That yet again something happens and people I'm responsible for have gotten hurt because I didn't know what was going on."

"Those feelings are entirely understandable," Bennett agreed with a nod. "All indications are that you couldn't have known you'd been infected and that the infection itself was not your fault."

"I should have known. How could I not have. A thing has been living in my head for who knows how long?" She glared at the ceiling, "How much of everything I've done in the last few days? or weeks? or worse? How much of that is me. What thoughts were me and what was that thing. It obviously had someway of taking me over, because I sure as hell didn't teleport down to the power generators. Everything I've done is suspect. Everything I touch is a disaster."

"That's not true," Noelle replied patiently. "You wouldn't have gotten as far as you have, if everything you touch is a disaster. I understand all of this is very unsettling, but for all intents and purposes, you were ill, and that's not your fault."

Maritza gave her a look, feeling patronised. "That's irrelevant. I should have known. I should have realised that everything from the Kzinti war was going on too long." Not that she would have sought help, or even admitted to anyone else that there was a problem. But she should have realised that it was more than just PTSD.

Bennett knew she wasn't going to win the self-blame war, especially when Soran was this adamant, so she decided to alter her approach, which would hopefully reveal more. "So, if you should have known, for the sake of argument, why didn't you?"

Maritza said, "Because I-," but then hesitated. How could she have known? This thing had proved undetectable to the systems of a station as large as DS5, and all the various vessels she had been in since the Klingons had rescued her. There certainly hadn't been any signs or phenomena until she had overdosed on various anti-psychotics...

She sat up and put her face in her hands. It really was her fault. If she'd gotten help, if she'd owned up to the night terrors and the seeing things, maybe this thing would have been found. But she hadn't, couldn't. For the same reason she couldn't ask for help now.

"Because I assumed it was just me. just nightmares, I didn't feel any different. Didn't feel I wasn't alone."

Noelle nodded. They were getting somewhere, even if it was just baby steps. "In that case, why wouldn't you assume it was just you?" Bennett paused, then added, "I get the feeling there are things contributing to your sense of guilt you're not ready to tell me. Is that fair?"

"I don't like discussing my failures full stop." That was true, but she had deliberately dodged the question. "And this is one of the worst. I can barely bring myself to think about it. People are waiting for me to fail, and i think this is it."

"People or yourself?" Noelle asked evenly.

"People." She said firmly. "Six years ago, I made a speech on the steps of the symbiosis committee calling for the rejection of Symbiosis. Its elitists, creates a two-tier society that the vast majority of people cannot access, freezing social mobility and they call it symbiosis, but our society bends over backwards for these little slugs who otherwise live in caves and haven't developed anything like technology and couldn't get out of their primordial soup without a host. Their contribution to trill society is almost non-existant, and yet everything is geared around them.

"I stood there, and threw their symbiosis offer back, and called for the rest of Trill society to do the same. Trill can make progress, culturally, scientifically, politically, without joining. And yet joining is the be all and end all of trill achievement. So yes, people are waiting for me to fall on my face, and show that it can't be done. That if you want to amount to anything, you have to have a slug. I can't afford to fail, because if I do, everyone will say 'look how that turned out' and everything the unjoined have achieved will be dismissed."

"Unjointed Trill certainly aren't the only Trill with psychological or physical challenges," Noelle pointed out. "As a matter of fact, joined Trill are more prone to mental health challenges, given the difficulties associated with integrating previous hosts for some. Even more than that, however, in my experience, people don't spend as much time thinking about us as we think they do. You are a woman of value, certainly, but I don't think even you have the power to control the attitudes of every Trill concerning every Unjoined Trill.'

"I'm not talking about mental illness, and that sort of thing. I'm talking about the value trill society places on Joining. Its disproportionate. I gave up what my society considered its highest honor, because its discriminatory. If you don't have a symbiont, its because you're found not good enough. And if I muck up. If i put a step wrong, I'll be proving them right. I was good enough, but without the Slug, I'm failing. I put myself out there, you have to be very naive to think what happens to me isn't going to have an impact. I gambled and I'm loosing!""

"So what's your next step?" Noelle asked simply, attempting to cut through Soran's self-pity.

She thought about it. "I don't know. I want to go back to work, but I can't trust my own mind. How can I be sure I'm really in my own mind? How can I be sure about anything I've done? No-one can even tell me when I got this thing? How many decisions do I need to revisit? Is anything I've done legitimate?"

Bennett paused, taking the other woman's words in. After several beats in thought, she offered, "I would never minimize or ignore the anxiety this entire episode has caused you. You've been through a terrifying ordeal in which all control, indeed, the essence of who you are, was stripped from you. It's going to take time and effort for you to heal and fully process the thoughts and feelings associated with the experience, and that is not a process that can be shortchanged or met with any degree of glibness. Keeping that in mind, however, as I see it, you have two choices now. You can either choose to spend your present moments constantly reviewing the past, thereby fueling the anxiety over things you can't control and may never know, or you can make a choice every day to focus on the present and moving forward."

Noelle let those words sink in before she added, "The reasons that now lead to you to question past decisions may be different from anyone else's experiences, but the potential to remain stuck reliving your past decisions is not. We've all done things that leave us questioning who we are, that leave us questioning whether we can trust ourselves to step outside our own histories. There is no quick answer to those questions. The only way those questions are ever answered is through time and experience. Unless you're telling me you're prepared to stop living altogether, time and experience is what you have on your side."

"You misunderstand. I have given orders that have had consequences. I have made decisions that affect lives, I can't just ignore the possibility that when I did so my judgement was possibly impaired. That had I been in my own mind, i would have done something different, and people who died would have lived. Everything needs to be scrutinised again, i can't pretend that this hasn't happened."

"I'm not asking you to pretend this hasn't happened," Noelle replied patiently. "I'm pointing out that some decisions you made, whether under the influence or not, cannot be undone. Rehashing them over and over will not change the past and it will not help you to heal. Are there certain decisions you wish to revisit that you believe you can still change?"

"You're not getting it," Maritza nearly snarled with frustration. "I would love to leave these alone, but I won't be allowed. There will be an investigation, there needs to be an investigation. And I can't rest easy until i'm sure that this thing hasn't affected my judgement."

Noelle leaned forward to close the gap between them and to offer some semblance of comfort and intimacy. She knew Maritza was too upset and too unfamiliar to her to feel comfortable with any sort of physical touch, so she did the next best thing. The hurt and fear behind her tone and words was clear. Gently, Noelle spoke. "You said you won't rest unless and until an investigation reveals your judgment was uncompromised while under the influence of this parasite. What if an investigation is inconclusive, or in fact reveals your judgment was compromised? Are you saying you see no way to heal from that?"

"No," Maritza wasn't entirely sure that was true, "What I'm saying is..." she halted mid flow, not knowing what she was saying, and she defaulted to focusing on her immediate goals. "I need to go back to work, and I need to do it without everyone asking if i'm infected or impaired or otherwise incompetent."

It was understandable Soran felt personally responsible for everything that had happened, even though she had to know on an intellectual level none of it was her fault. Now, it was apparent that not only did she feel responsible, but she was also concerned about others blaming her for what happened and questioning her sanity. "Anyone can ask, but you can shut down any line of inquiry by reporting, when the time comes, you've been cleared for duty and that's all anyone needs to know. If anyone pursues the issue, they'll have me and the CMO to deal with. We are behind you every step of the way."

As difficult as it was for the other woman to hear, Noelle wasn't in a position to offer certainties about the parasite that had infected her. Perhaps she soon would be, but until Bennett knew one way or the other, she wasn't going to give Soran false hope.

Soran was relieved, she had expected far more stringent restrictions. But then, she doubted Starfleet had received any full reports yet. Once she and anyone else involved had submitted hers, stars alone knew what shit would fall from on high. But that was for then. "Thank you. I'm looking forward to getting back to work."

"I know you are," Noelle replied gently. "We all need things to keep us busy and to give us a sense of purpose. With the two of us working hard together, we'll get you back on duty as soon as possible. In the meantime, what healthy things can you do to keep yourself occupied?"

"I've got plenty to catch up on. Reports must be backing up all over the place. And I've got plenty of books or a trip to a holodeck. and I assume you want our sessions to continue?"

"I think it would be a good idea," Noelle replied. "What do you think?"

"I'd rather have my teeth pulled without aneasthetic." Soran replied frankly. "But some oversight at this time would be prudent."

Noelle hadn't heard therapy referenced so colorfully and negatively at the same time, but still, Bennett didn't take it personally. While she fully believed in the value of therapy, she didn't pretend it was easy for any of the people she worked with. Noelle smiled. "I appreciate your brutal honesty and I'm glad to hear we are on the same page."

[OFF]

Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett, M.D.
Chief Counselor
Deep Space Five

Commander Maritza Soran
2XO/Chief of Strategic Operations
DS5

 

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