Unwillingly Willing

Posted on Sun Dec 15, 2019 @ 12:14am by Lieutenant Elleese Elloyia & Civilian Jason Haines

2,844 words; about a 14 minute read

Mission: Doors of Perception
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD 16, 0900

[ON]

Jason came into the medical wing and went to the counseling section. He wasn't looking forward to this. He knew he needed to come, but he wasn't looking forward to it. Since the encounter with Sovok and company, he had been becoming increasingly more agitated and feeling less and less like dealing with anyone.

Coming into the offices, he didn't see anyone. Maybe he would get lucky and he could just go back to his quarters.

"Hello", he called out.

The offices in this section were a testament to what she had been told by the station's commander: that there had not been a proper counselor on board for some time. There was a general air of disarray, even if nothing necessarily looked out of place. It was just a feeling that even a non-empath would be able to pick up on.

Elleese sensed someone enter before she heard them, so she stepped out of her office into the front room--which lacked a proper yeoman. "Hello there," she greeted with a polite smile. "I'm Counselor Elloyia. Can I help you?"

"Yes", Jason said. "I'm Lieutenant Jason Haines. I have a standing appointment, usually, but things look to be in a bit of disarray. I can come back if you would like."

It was easy to feel the myriad of emotions coming from Jason. None of them felt particularly pleasant. Anxiety, fear, jealousy, loathing, and anger all floated off of him and felt like a cloud around him.

She kept on her polite smile, but inwardly, she was shoring herself up against the quiet but consistent rolling waves of emotion. "Not at all," she said easily, sensing someone standing before her that was very much in need of her help. "Please, come in." She waved at the open door to her office, waiting for him to go in before she followed. "May I offer you something to drink?"

Jason snickered a little as he stepped in.

"I could use one, but I don't think we are talking the same kind. Water would be nice."

"This is a counseling office, not a bar," she agreed, meeting his gaze briefly with her own silver-grey one before she moved to the replicator. She ordered a glass of water and a cup of tea. She handed him the water and then gestured at the armchairs against the wall. "Please, have a seat." Once he did, she sat beside him. "I would like to hear about what brings you to me." Could she sense it? Sure. But that wasn't what she did here. It was more important to get people to broach it themselves.

"Thank you", Jason said taking a sip of the water. "Technically, I am here because I have orders to come because last week I died, my body was apparently cremated, and as you can see I am here talking to you. So, the Commander thought it would be a good idea for me to check in with medical, counseling, and sciences once a week to make sure I am holding it all together."

He couldn't help but roll his eyes.

Silver brows rose as she tilted her head slightly. "It does sound like you had a busy week, then," she said with a tinge of dry humor. "Perhaps you can tell me a little bit more about how that all came to be."

"To be honest with you it is still a bit of a mystery", Jason said, his emotions actually were pretty calm when talking about it. "We were having a little party in one of the holo-suites at the Box. Nice place to relax mind you. Anyway, there was some sort of temporal dimensional surge and we were sent to another dimension. We ran into some of the locals and they shot me with some sort of energy weapon and I died. The next day, I woke up in my bed feeling great. Except for getting beaten up by psycho Vulcans..."

Anger flashed across his eyes and the tumultuous emotions started to roll off him again.

"...I have felt fine. I have no idea how I came back to life, but I did. The Commander is worried about whether or not I am who I was when I came on board the station. If I am someone else, I have no clue. But that is the story."

"That sounds like a rather succinct telling of a complicated story," Ell commented gently. "I can imagine that it must be very stressful for you now, dealing with such a mystery and the suspicions of others."

"Actually counselor, not so much", Jason said. "Although Commander Soran thought that it would be possible for there to be a stigma about me being a scientific anomaly, I decided that there was nothing I could do about it, and I actually embraced it."

He took his uniform jacket off, rolled up his left sleeve to reveal a simple tattoo, 'Scientific Anomaly #1'.

After a moment he rolled his sleeve back down and put his jacket back on.

"You know, every time we use the transporter, there is a chance that we come back not ourselves in some fashion or the other", Jason said. "One blip of data not being written properly and voila, we are someone else. Perhaps not by much, but we would not be the same. There are incidents of people on the same transport coming back having been body swapped. Captain Riker of the Titan even was split in a transporter accident and there are two of him in the galaxy now. So, I am not really concerned about my resurrection so to speak. If I turn out to be someone else, that is something I can't control, so there is no use worrying about it."

Elleese listened...to his words as much as everything else. She nodded a little, encouragingly. "So what does worry you, Lieutenant?"

"Me", he said simply.

He looked at her and had a concerned face. The stated answer was simple. The emotions rolling off of him not so.

Ell smiled, very slight but understanding. "And what about you worries you?" she asked gently. "Can you put it into words?" Not that someone like her needed the words, of course, but they would help him.

"Well", he said, running his fingers through his hair. "the last mission I went on has brought out some traits in me, I am not sure what to make of."

"What traits are those?" she asked with the same tone.

"Anger, hatred, bigotry, doubt, blood-lust", he answered with a sigh. He then took a sip of water. "Yeah, I think that covers it, for now I guess."

"It seems those are plenty of places to start," she replied. She also took that opportunity to sip her tea. "And many of them tend to go together. Which of these would you like to start with?"

"I don't know really", he replied looking at her, truly seeming lost. "I mean, I've felt anger before, but nothing like this. I know where everything is stemming from, but I have no idea where to start."

Elleese offered a small smile of understanding as she acknowledged what he said with a nod. "Let us start there, then," she offered. "How is this anger different than what you have felt before?"

"It's been five days and it hasn't gone away", Jason answered and his foot started tapping. "Usually I can deal with it, but no matter what I try, I can't and some of the people I am angry at, I really have no recourse."

"Is there anyone you are angry at that you do have recourse with?" Ell asked. There was a lot of touch on here, so she picked her places carefully but with the idea to gather it all by the end.

"The only person I have any recourse with that won't get me put in the brig or look like a total jackass is myself", Jason said.

He took a drink and then ran his fingers through his hair.

Elleese tilted her head, observing him passively for a few moments before she replied. "Are you actually angry at yourself or do you simply see yourself as the only person you can take action against?"

"I am indeed angry at myself", Jason said. "I had opportunities to prevent a major screwed up operation and I didn't. And after that, when a bad situation was in progress, I was too slow to get where I could have done anything to minimize the harm it caused."

"There is a human expression," the counselor began. "Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. It is an old expression, I will grant, but are you familiar with it?"

"Yes", Jason said looking at her. "It doesn't mean I can't be mad about things. I mean I didn't speak up because of the stupidest reason. I spent the night before in the brig because I didn't choose the right words for the Commander's liking. I was worried about that. I was an idiot."

She tilted her head slightly. "What was the reason you did not speak up?"

"I didn't want to end up back in the brig", Jason said shaking his head. "I was a coward about it."

"And if you had spoken up," Elleese continued. "Are you sure that would have changed the outcome of things?"

"Every action changes things", Jason replied, his face looking fiercely determined. "If I had spoken up, at least it would have given all pause for thought."

Ell reached to the side table and lifted her cup of tea, taking a sip of the now-lukewarm liquid within. She didn't speak again until she set it down. "Every action does have a reaction, yes. It changes things...but I would caution you about blaming yourself with the idea that speaking up would assuredly changed things to the way you think would be better. That is, you cannot know how it would have gone if you acted differently."

"But the fact of the matter is that I would have started out with doing the right thing", Jason said. "Instead of cowering from someone because they had more pips than me. I didn't do the right thing until the damage had been done."

"I understand, and reflection and self-analysis are important to healing and emotional growth," Ell said. "But there does come a line where it is nothing more than self-abuse. Where on that line do you think your feelings fall right now?"

"I don't know", Jason said, sighing. "but no matter where it falls, the memories of what happened will always be there and every time that memory flashes I get very angry. I think about what others did and didn't do and the rage is there. What I did and didn't do and the rage is instantly there. I walk through the promenade and there are certain types of individuals I pass and that rage is there."

He snickered slightly and said, "I wonder now if I am always going to pass a Vulcan and want to strangle or avoid them. I don't know what to do with this rage counselor."

He shrugged his shoulders and looked defeated.

"During my time in the academy, I heard a human expression that time heals all wounds," Ell began kindly. "I do not entirely agree. It can heal most, but for some, it simply changes them. The intensity of your feelings about this, and the rage, will lessen with time as you discuss it, and analyze your feelings, and process it. This is all still very fresh. It is a new wound that still bleeds when aggravated.

"For the time being, we need to find a place for you to channel the rage when it occurs. Try to turn it toward fueling something productive or beneficial rather than self-destructive. What sort of activities do you enjoy in your off-time?"

"The thing that helps me calm down the most is scuba diving", Jason said. "I don't like doing it on the holo-deck and I haven't had a time to explore the planet's oceans for places."

Elleese thought this through for a moment, nodding slowly once she recalled what that was. "Do you know what it is about diving that helps to calm you?"

"The emersion in the water where it is an entirely different universe so to speak", Jason said. "Underwater there is tranquility, quiet, and if you pay attention, all sorts of things to learn. The only thing that can really bug you is your swim buddy and the animals. The animals are usually just curious though."

"It does sound pleasant," she agreed warmly. "I think I would like seeing the animals. Why do you think the recreation on the holodeck does not afford the same feeling?"

"Because I know it isn't real", Jason said. "Scuba diving is one of those things you need to experience for real, not through a program. It is hard to explain, but some things work in the holo-deck and some don't. In my opinion anyway."

She actually understood what he meant very well, since she'd had similar experiences, but she still wanted him to say it. To talk through it. Her just knowing something was different than him speaking about his own feelings. "Have you ever found a different activity that brought a similar feeling?"

"The only thing that comes close for me is Tai Chi", Jason said. "But, it's not quite the same, given its martial arts roots."

"Have you tried it again recently?" she asked, making a few mental notes.

"Yeah, but the movements are fundamental roots of some martial arts", Jason said. "And as I move through them I find I am moving out of the roots, to actual other forms, and those bring images of the fight I have to the forefront of my mind. I can see the man I killed just as I am looking at you."

His hands started to shake. He started rubbing them together as if he were trying to wash something off. His breathing grew heavier. A scowl crossed his face, it was easy to feel the anger flowing off him.

"I can hear his voice, I can feel his blood all over my hands, I can see the look of disbelief he had on his face right before I plunged my knife into his eye and killed him. I've never killed anyone before this mission. I killed three outright and used another one as a body shield and got him killed. It sickens me, yet there is a small part of me that liked it for better words."

He rubbed his hands together a bit faster now.

Elleese instinctively shored up her mental defenses against the sudden intensity coming from the man. While he hadn't exactly been "calm," empathically speaking, through this meeting, everything suddenly ramped up. "And how do you feel about that small part?"

"I don't understand how it got there", Jason said, looking down like a puppy who had messed on the floor and had been scolded. "But, I've been noticing since yesterday, when I see a Vulcan when I am walking, I have to move away from them as that little part starts to scratch at the door to be opened."

"What people tend to forget is that none of us are all just the good things. Nor is anyone all just the bad things. The best of us still have pieces of lesser traits within, and trauma--which is what you have suffered--can bring those out. They come up when we feel vulnerable or hurt. What makes a person a good person is recognizing it and then what we do with it. Have you actually acted on that part since what happened?"

"No", Jason said. "but it worries me as I have someone with Vulcan heritage on my staff. I can't just avoid her."

Ell smiled gently. "I would never try to suggest that you just avoid Vulcans or those with similar heritage forever," she said. "This is something to be worked through, but you do not act on these impulses the moment they arise. That is important to remember, and it is what we will build on. To separate what was from what is within your mind."

Jason nodded and then said, "Counselor, if you don't mind, I'm sort of talked out for today. Can we pick up here next week?"

"Of course," she replied smoothly. "Although please do return sooner if you feel even the slightest need to, alright?"

"Thank you counselor", Jason said with a sincere smile. "It was a pleasure to meet you."

Elleese inclined her head. "And you," she said with a warm smile.

With that, Jason left, glad to be out of the office. He knew counselors played important roles, but he hadn't seen one since his mother died and he really hated the whole self-examination of things.

[OFF]

Lieutenant Elleese Elloyia
Chief Counselor
Deep Space 5

Lieutenant JG Jason Haines
Former CIO
Deep Space 5

 

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