"Resillience or Resistance?, Part 1"

Posted on Wed Sep 30, 2015 @ 4:50am by Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett M.D.

1,573 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Pangaea (Wrap up)
Location: Dr. Noelle Bennett's Office, Deep Space 5
Timeline: MD 4, 1100 hrs.

[ON]

Kyle hadn't been looking forward to his psych eval after the crash but it was apart of the game. And the sooner he got it done the better so he could throw it in Soran's face and get back to work. He reached the Counselor's office and chimed the door.

"Come in," Noelle replied. As she expected, the doors hissed open and Lieutenant Kyle Carter walked in right on time. She'd recognized him from his personnel file, and so far, his promptness boded well.

Kyle walked into the office and gave the counselor a nod. "Hi doc, I'm Lieutenant Carter. I'm here to complete my post ejection psych workup."

Noelle stood and offered her hand, giving Carter a polite smile. "Hello. I'm Doctor Noelle Bennett. Feel free to call me Noelle. Would it be okay with you if I call you Kyle while we chat?" As she asked, she gestured for him to take a seat in one of her many available chairs in the reception area of her office.

"Thats's fine Doc." Kyle answered her but not using her first name.

While they both got comfortable, she offered, "I'm pleased to meet you, but I'm sorry for the circumstances. How are you?"

"I'm good, this is a nice little break from the paperwork I've been having to fill out to requisition a new star fighter after the accident." Kyle said.

"I'm sorry for all that trouble," she offered sincerely. "What's it been like for you, having to recount those details for the paperwork?" She wondered if he might elaborate on his feelings beyond the expected comment about the hassle of doing the paperwork itself. Part of the reason these post-trauma evals were necessary as soon as possible was because people were often required to recount the details of a trauma long before it was psychologically ideal.

"Oh I don't have get into the details on that paperwork. Just getting approval for it is a pain. Mountains of bureaucratic paperwork to sift through." He elaborated. "But I guess that's all in a days work for the CAG, sometimes I miss just being a pilot." He added with a sigh. "All I really had to do was fly and file flight logs. When I signed up for Starfleet I didn't really think about the paperwork part of it I guess."

Noelle wasn't sure what to make of Kyle's answer. Was he really more bothered by paperwork than the crash? Or was talking about red tape his way of putting off discussing the inevitable? "You certainly had to do a lot more than fly recently," Noelle replied.

"It's different being the CAG than just a regular pilot. I mean I knew that but I guess I just have to get used to it Doc." Kyle responded nonchalantly.

Sensing he would continue to deflect her, Noelle decided to take a more direct approach. "I don't think anyone can get used to thinking they're going to die." Her tone was gentle, but right to the point.

"Excuse me Doctor?" Her statement caught him a little off guard. "Um..., I didn't think I was going to die Doctor. I barely had time to realize what was happening before it happened." He admitted. "Next thing I know I wake up with Commander Soran standing over me."

Noelle nodded. "That's a fair point. In the moment, I'm sure you didn't have much time to consciously consider what was happening. However, that doesn't mean you didn't face a life-threatening situation and on a less than intellectual level confront all the sensations and trauma associated with facing death. Sometimes our bodies and minds have memories of events our conscious minds don't really want to process."

Kyle nodded not sure what to say to the Counselor's statement. "I feel alright for the most part Doc. I mean waking up with Commander Soran standing over me might be slightly more disturbing than the crash." He said with a half smile.

Bennett smiled, appreciating the other man's humor, even if she believed he was trying to deflect her questions to a certain degree. Changing directions, she asked, "How well have you been sleeping?"

"Not too bad. No nightmares if that's what you mean." He answered her. He didn't bother to mention that he did think about the spin. He never thought he was dead in the moment, but after the realization of what could've happened set in.

Bennett nodded. She was indeed asking about nightmares and just his general ability to get and stay asleep, but she had the feeling he knew exactly what she was getting at. "Have you been getting along with others since what happened? Do you find you've been more irritable or had a shorter fuse than usual?"

"I wouldn't say that." Kyle answered. "I've been a little stressed with the extra paperwork, and flying is a major outlet for me, being medically grounded isn't my idea of a perfect situation either." He grinned.

"I imagine it gives you a lot of time to think about what you could've done differently or what might've happened differently," Bennett offered. "Any lingering self-recriminations or troubled thoughts about what might've been or might be?"

Kyle shook his head. "I'm aware of what can happen every time I strap in. Fighters are small and fragile. The pilot is exposed with only a third of a meter of metal between them and nothing. One good phaser shot from a frigate can destroy a fighter. One collision ... well you get the idea." Kyle answered. "Its the job I signed up for, and I know the risks."

"We've talked a lot about what you know and what you accept," Noelle replied. "I can't help but notice, however, you haven't shared much about how you feel after all of this." Kyle was keeping things very close to the vest, it seemed, and while that was to be expected, it was also true Bennett could not get a good psychological read on him. He was coming across a little too cavalier in her book, and until she could get a better understanding of how he was processing all of this, she wasn't sure she could release him for duty.

Kyle let out an audible sigh. "I... I feel fine Doc." He looked her in the eye with a half smile half frown. "I feel like I need to get back out there and get back in the seat. I'm not really going to know until I'm on the stick." He leveled with her. "I tried the holodeck and it's not even close to the same thing." He shrugged. "Maybe it's because I know it's not real."

"That could be true," Noelle offered with a nod, "but under the circumstances, I would hope you'd understand why protocol isn't just putting you back in the fighter and watching what happens. Tell me this," she added. "When you think about getting back in the seat, what thoughts and feelings come up?"

"Eagerness." Kyle answered immediately. "It's where I've been my whole life. It's where Ive been most comfortable." He elaborated. "I need to make sure it still is."

His choice of words made Noelle think. "Why would you need to make sure it still is? Are you worried you might have mixed feelings about returning?"

"Not worried no." He answered, "But it's something i need to do. Almost like when birds fly south for the winter." Kyle elaborated.

"Birds fly south for the winter on instinct," Noelle replied. "What if things are different when you're on the stick? Do you think you could be honest with yourself about that, or might you shove those concerns aside and push through to follow your instincts? You said yourself, it's all you know, but birds acting on instinct can still fly into danger unwittingly."

"The difference between the bird and I is that I know everytime I fly out it's into danger." He answered her. "And if I couldn't do it, I'd be the first one to say it. If you are compromised in anyway out there it can mean life or death of not just you but your wingman too. That's a risk I wouldn't take."

"This is the first time I think I've heard you mention your wingman," Noelle replied. "What, if any, feedback have you gotten from that particular peanut gallery?" Bennett asked gently.

"I was solo when it happened. But the pilot's have been positive. A few hey sir are you okays? that's about it." Kyle answered. "Somebody made a joke in a briefing about me milking it and taking long lunches and not being stuck on alert status." He added with a grin.

Noelle still wasn't sure if a part of Kyle was using humor to cover a genuine psychological struggle, or if his humor was truly how he coped. He hadn't given her anything specific to be concerned about, per se, but before signing off with honestly expressed reservation, she offered, "You seem to be taking what happened with a good deal of humor and lightness. I'll be honest, I can't decide whether this is how you cope with trauma or if you are using it to cover something you don't want me to see. I'm wondering, if our roles for reversed, what would you want to know determine whether I was fit for duty and what would you think of our interactions thus far?"

 

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