Double Consciousness

Posted on Sun Oct 25, 2020 @ 11:35pm by Lieutenant Kivan Ta'Gas & Lieutenant T'Lul

2,820 words; about a 14 minute read

Mission: Et In Arcadia Ego
Location: DS5 Counselling Suite
Timeline: MD 06
Tags: Bajor, therapy, Kivan, Vulcan, T'Lul, W.E.B DuBois

Lieutenant Kivan Ta'Gas had avoided this appointment for long enough. He tried to argue that by serving as the Acting Chief Engineer he did not have time to stop and speak with the new therapist on board. However, that was quickly met with a non-sympathetic response and an even sterner direction to make an appointment.

So here he found himself, standing outside the doors to the therapist's office. He stared at the sign on the display, it struck him as odd that the Federation would designate a position to be so important, yet so insignificant. Cardassian culture did not encourage disclosing one's private feelings to a state-authorized hand-holder. It would open the door to future blackmail or request for favors. Yet, the Federation felt that this mental health professional was trustworthy enough. . .

He pressed the chime and waited for her response.

T'Lul was writing some notes in her office on her computer. Her work was interrupted by a chime on her door. Interesting. I was not expecting anyone. In a curious but flat tone, T'Lul answered it, "Come in."

Lieutenant Kivan entered the office and observed the environment. A Vulcan. . .great he thought to himself. It would seem only fitting that he'd be judge by a Vulcan of all individuals. It seemed to be their biological proclivity to judge why a person was acting so illogically.

He stopped before her desk and came sharply to attention. "Lieutenant Junior Grade Kivan Ta'Gas, reporting for my mandatory counseling session, ma'am." He said, remaining at attention, waiting for further direction from the superior officer.

"At ease, Lieutenant," T'Lul told Kivan. "Feel free to take a seat. We have the couch or a chair available. If you wish to sit elsewhere, it likely will not be a problem." The Counselor continued on in a neutral tone. "And this is not so much a counseling session as your yearly evaluation. Apparently many were not done timely prior to my arrival. So, please, make yourself comfortable."

Ta'Gas wasn't so certain that he could feel comfortable with a Vulcan. He did not have much experience with them, but rumor was that they had mind-reading capabilities. He didn't know if it was tactile-based or if they could just stare into your eyes and steal your thoughts. Either way, he was firmly creeped out.

"Yes, ma'am." He said as he took his seat across from her desk. "I was directed to report for my regular. . .check-up. . ." he said, hesitantly. It was obvious that he did not want to be here one second longer than necessary. "I'm trying to keep Operations Department in one piece until a full-time replacement is located." He said wearily.

The Counselor noticed the hesitation in Ta'Gas' speech. Apparently, Ta'Gas was proof that telling someone to do something meant that they would do the opposite because that person was so fixated on trying to follow the instruction. She gave a small sigh, as if scolding herself. "That sounds like a lot of work. How much time is that taking from your normal job? Does it make you feel stressed?"

"Normal job? I haven't experienced anything close to normal since starting this job!" He shot back irritably. "I've been overworked, then there was the situation with that damn Romulan Core, then I was stabbed and nearly killed by my own people thanks to that damn portal!" He said, his anger increasing as he recounted his experience onboard the station.

"There is nothing normal about this damn job! If the people don't kill you, then some strange-other-dimension portal will send you across the universe." He lamented. "And that's not even beginning to discuss how I don't have nearly enough time to do all the damn jobs that get dumped on me!" He exclaimed.

T'Lul made mental notes of all the irritability, stress, and anger that Ta'Gas felt. There also were some indications of paranoia. She would have to see if those were justified or not. I am only familiar with Pangea academically. I have not been here for any of the experiences that you have just related to me. Would you please tell me how many hours that you are currently working?"

Leave it to a Vulcan to reduce a near-death experience to something "academic" that can be studied. From what he had read from the After Action Reports, the Vulcans that had come through that portal did not seem to be too much more enlightened than your average Nausicaan. It was interesting to Ta'Gas how one species could manifest itself in such significant ways.

"14 hours is considered a 'Good' day, ma'am." He replied in a straight-forward manner. "That's in between catastrophic failure of station power, businesses on the Promanade exploding, or any other random sort of mayhem that occurs on this station." He added.

"There's never enough time, enough manpower, or enough . . .enough. . .anything!" he said frustratingly.

"So, am I to understand that you do not get free time for yourself? Are you ordered to work 14 hours?" T'Lul asked curiously.

"Ordered? No, I'm not ordered to take on extra responsibilities, but if I don't, then who will?" He said. "I have to manage the various crew schedules, I have to ensure there is sufficient staff to handle the basic needs of the station, let alone assign qualified staff to take on repairing this station every time some freak accident destroys something!" He said with agitation in his voice.

"Free time? The last time I had any free time was when I was in Sick Bay recovering from being stabbed by some assho---" He caught himself as the world slipped free. "I apologize ma'am, the last time I had any downtime was during my medical recovery." He said, in a much more restrained tone.

"Logically, if you did not take on the extra responsibilities, either they would go undone because nobody was there to do it or someone else would pick them up. Is there a problem with that?" she asked, noting that he was becoming more and more agitated. "And do not concern yourself about using colorful words. I am Vulcan. I am not affected by such things."

Of course not, you green-blooded freaks aren't affected by anything The Cardassian-Bajoran thought to himself. "Problem with that? Of course there is, this station would fall apart if I just sat back and hoped that someone else would step up and do the necessary work." He replied.

"We all have to step up. . ." He sighed as he rubbed his hands over his face. "Otherwise, this whole place will fall to shit and leave us vulnerable to attack from our enemies," he said as he shook his head. "Enemies that just happen to look like me. . ." he said with disgust.

"I believe that you're using some interesting hyperbole. The station would not likely fall apart from you not doing some things. Please explain what enemies concern you."

"Do I need to spell it out?" He asked abruptly. "We have a Cardassian Tactical fleet parked less than a day's distance from our station." He said. "It was the Cardassians that used us to lead a mission through the Fae Portals back into Dominion-controlled Cardassia. Can you imagine the destruction that would have been caused if Legate U'mar was actually able to make contact with the Dominion in that time period and pass on his knowledge about Starfleet?" He said, recounting the mission that nearly cost him his life. **

"I see it in the eyes of countless people on this station. They look at me the same way as they see the Cardassians holed up in their little Embassay." He said. "Even the Cardassians themselves consider me to be some kind of traitor to my own race." He said bitterly as he thought about his attempts to make some kind of connection with the previous Cardassian Ambassador, Tharek Getal.

"I was not aware of that mission until you just told me. I am catching up after only being here two days," T'Lul admitted. Was there bitterness in her voice? "I imagine that feeling of having eyes on you constantly might be disconcerting."

Ta'Gas huffed slightly. "As if I give a damn what other people think about me." He said unguardedly. "I've spent my entire life dealing with others judging me. If it wasn't the Bajorans in the labor camp, then it was my own people on Cardassia!" He said with an obvious edge in his voice. "I've learned to do my job without the praise of others." He said, settling a bit.

"Do you think I am judging you?" T'Lul asked curiously.

Ta'Gas wasn't sure if he was being asked a trick question. "Honestly. . .Yes, yes I do." He replied. "What Vulcan doesn't judge another species for their lack of logic" He said.

"Me," T'Lul responded. "Logic has its place but so do emotions."

Ta'Gas sat back in his chair. "I suppose you're right." He said wiht a sigh as he rubbed his side where his wound was located. "But I honestly don't have the time or luxury of falling deep into emotions." He replied. "It's a full-time job to keep this station running even when we had a full crew. But now it's even worse." He said tensely.

"That's not even including the constant threat of a Cardassian invasion fleet coming back. You know we still haven't properly repaired our Advanced Holographic Decoy Array (AHDA) known as the Guardian Platforms. Ever since they went haywire Advanced Holographic Defense platform since it went haywire and destroyed several civilian vessels." He said.

The catastrophic testing event involving the Guardian Platforms had took place several years before he had come onto the station. However, repairing the tactical system had always been on each Chief Engineer's "To-Do" list, but no person had ever gotten around to dedicating the necessary resources to it.

"If you do not have the time to fall into emotions, then you are no better than the Vulcans you condemn," T'Lul told Ta'Gas logically. "While it may be a full time job keeping the station moving, it is my job to make certain that everyone's mental well-being is optimized and in good condition. Right now, I am concerned that is not occurring."

"What do you mean?" Lt. Kivan said, although the Vulcan did not have a particular tone in her voice to indicate her seriouusness, but he was able to notice that there was certainly a purpose in her last statement.

"I-I-well-uh- my condition is fine." He finally said.

"Your condition is not fine. You made that clear the moment that you walked in this door. You complained of being over-worked, understaffed, and sleeping inadequately. You also report a shortage of free time. Play is a necessary aspect of any being's life," T'Lul informed Ta'Gas.

"Play!" He scoffed. The word was the furthest thing from his mind. Even if we wasn't dealing with a station in need of a complete overhaul, or dealing with the after-effects of bring stabbed, or juggling the new responsibility of running station OPS and Engineering.

"Who doesn't have these same problems!?" He replied quickly. "The last thing anybody has time for is some kind of 'play-date'." He added. "I'll find time to play when I find time to replace the intermittent plasma leak over on the secondary habitat level," he said.

"You have others who can do these things, whether you believe it or not." She was not a tall woman but her eyes seemed to look down at Ta'Gas. "And, you do not need to make a 'play date.' You are not a child. Play could be as simple as reading a book. In this case it means doing something that is completely enjoyable to you and not work related." T'Lul stared unemotionally at Ta'Gas.

Vulcan bastards. . .they were all the same. Cold, unemotional, sanitized. Ta'Gas knew there was no use in arguing with her any further. Part of him did see the logic in what she was saying. He wasn't the only Engineer on board and he could find a way to delegate some of the less intensive tasks down to other personnel.

The bigger issue was that he didn't want to relinquish control. Part of him felt that if he did, then he would not be viewed as a vital element of the station's crew. It was his sense of being vitally importance that would ensure that he would be needed. He had learned by growing up as an orphan just how easy it was for you to become a burden and be cast aside by others.

"So what am I supposed to do, just pave the way for my replacement to take over while I'm reading a book somewhere?" He asked, but tried his best to maintain a tone of indifference.

"Let me ask you a different question, Lieutenant. Do you think that your only value is your work?" T'Lul replied with an inquisitive tilt of her head.

"We all have a purpose for being on this station. Some of us have to handle more than others." He said, dodging the question.

"What you say is true, Lieutenant. However, it is evasive. Please answer the question that I asked." She paused for a moment and added, "Do you need me to repeat it?"

Lieutenant Kivan looked at the Psychiatrist for several moments. In fact, he merely looked past her at the wall just behind her head. The silence of the office occupied the two of them for several long seconds before Ta'Gas finally chose to speak.

"Yes." He said. Although he had responded with just one word, the word represented an entire paragraph of thoughts and convictions.

"Yes you need me to repeat the question or 'yes' is the answer to my question that I asked before?" She cocked her head to the other side. Clarity was always necessary to assisting a patient.

Ta'Gas looked down at his boots as he rolled the question around in his mind. He could always tell her no and simply be done with the socratic treatment. But there was a part of him that knew that answering in the affirmative. It was an answer that would allow him to not have to continue carrying around a his peculiar burden.

"Yes, my value is my work." He said, looking back up and staring directly into her eyes. "It's given me purpose and a position of belonging." He said, steadying his emotions.

"But there is more to Ta'Gas than his work," T'Lul retorted. "I think that we should explore that in our next session."

Ta'Gas sighed heavily as he placed his face within his hands. He took several deep, restorative breathes before gathering himself and standing. "Very well, ma'am. Thank you." He said as he turned and headed towards the door.

"Before you leave," T'Lul interrupted. "Can you explain why you placed your face in your hands? What has distressed you?"

Ta'Gas stopped and took a step back, pausing before walking out of the room.

"Computer, display W.E.B. DuBois." He said as he turned back towards Lt. T'Lul. "This is an ancient Human academic and sociologist by the name of W.E.B. DuBois. He talks about a concept known as Double Consciousness." He explained.

"His concept essentially is, that there the sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his two-ness, in my case—a Bajoran and a Cardassian. Two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder." He said.

"What has me distressed?" He responded slowly.

"Everyday I have to live with knowing that I have no history or heritage. My work. . .this uniform. . ." He said, pulling on his tunic. "...is all that keeps me sane." Ta'Gas said.

"Perhaps we can look into some of that, as well, Lieutenant. We all have a history and a heritage but sometimes they are not what we would choose for ourselves. But you and I shall find it, if that is your desire."

Ta'Gas sighed again as his nodded slowly. He had not anticipated being so frank and open with the Vulcan shrink. However, a part of him felt somewhat relieved at being able to talk openly with a relative stranger.

"Yes, ma'am." He finally said. "If there is nothing further, I've got a station to keep together." He said with a nod.

"Not at this time, Lieutenant. I will see you again within a week."

Lt. Kivan turned on his heels and proceeded through the swishing doors.


Lieutenant T'Lul
Chief Counseling Officer
DS5

and

Lieutenant Kivan Ta'Gas
Chief Operations
DS5

 

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