Chief Counselor's Log #4 - Sometimes You're the Windshield, Sometimes You're the Bug
Posted on Wed Nov 30, 2016 @ 8:54am by Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett M.D.
749 words; about a 4 minute read
I've been asked to join the latest away team to Pangaea. This time, I'm told we are to deliberately enter a portal on the planet to see what else we can discover when we actually intend to make discoveries. Professionally, I know I should be excited about the opportunity. After all, the chance to meet new people and to explore new environments was what drew me to Starfleet in the first place. Just the thought of actually doing something instead of keeping my nose in my studies was enough to fill me with excitement and the kind of adrenaline that can only come with knowing one's dreams were about to come true. Now, age and experience has taught me to approach the unknown with a good deal more caution.
Specifically, my prior experience with *this* particular bit of the unknown is enough to give me pause, and I'd be mine if I said I wasn't wary of it, even as I knew in my head I should only be honored by the opportunity. None of us were hurt during our first foray into the portal last month, so logically, I shouldn't expect this time to definitely be different, but nevertheless, I'm anxious. It's hard to put into words what it felt like to be surrounded by so many people in need of medical attention and begging for help the first time around. As a medical officer and a therapist, such a situation isn't new to me of course, but this was different. I suppose it was the feeling of being completely disoriented to time and place and also feeling completely helpless to provide assistance under the very circumstances when I and my fellow medical colleagues are supposed to be at our most confident and self-assured.
I suppose it also doesn't help my sense of security and confidence to know there was tension between Liam and I recently. I appreciate his friendship a great deal, a fact I'm sure he knows, if our recent snag is any indication. Generally speaking, I haven't taken much time to build intimate relationships of any kind, at least not consistently. My work has usually consumed me, and unfortunately, the demands placed on counselors can help to facilitate maintaining a distance between them and the rest of the crew. It seems Liam is determined to pull me into a friendship, even if he has to drag me out of my office by getting himself thrown in the brig.
I am a better woman for his friendship, certainly, but it also serves as a reminder of the challenges of trying to maintain a professional and personal relationship with a person at the same time. I understand his diplomatic obligations with regard to the 'Ferengi incident' as an example, and I don't want to see someone I care about in the brig for doing his job, but I would be lying if I said I didn't agree with our Second Officer's position on the matter at the same time. I can't help but feel like I let Zandra and my profession down over it, and no amount of 'it's in everyone's best interests diplomatically' will make me feel better.
What's more, what I thought was a completely understandable desire not to be empathically or telepathically read without my permission turned into an emotionally charged discussion about me somehow not accepting him as he is and not accepting his right to do what he wanted within the space of his own quarters. Granted, I understand my emotions were probably blinking at him like a neon sign, which is why I asked if there was anything I could do to mute my emotions in the future, but I think I only managed to offend him further. I was under the impression it was impolite for anyone with psionic abilities to read another person and act on what they had read without permission. Professional obligations notwithstanding, I still believe I have the right to my own mental privacy, regardless of whose quarters I happen to be in or what time it is.
In the end, the only thing we could both agree on was we were both tired and that we both still valued our friendship enough to agree to disagree. Nevertheless, it was another moment of late in which I felt like I couldn't win I didn't know the very ground underneath my feet. I can only hope things will become more clear to me in the coming days.
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