Necesary Evil

Posted on Thu Apr 7, 2016 @ 2:39am by Captain Maritza Soran & Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett M.D.

2,011 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: Pangaea (Wrap up)
Location: Counsellors Office
Timeline: MD11 1730

::ON::

The joy of being 2XO and on leave meant that her Psych evaluation was high priority, and she didn't have to fit it around her shift, which meant that Soran was able to be seen relatively quickly.

Now she was watining int he small reception area outside Lt Bennett's office, pacing the carpet, waiting for the counsellor to see her, and get the whole charade over with.

Noelle emerged from her office and decided to personally welcome her next arrival. From what she'd been told and what she'd read, Soran had been through a significant trauma recently and besides the obvious desire to clear her psychologically as was standard procedure, there was some concern she was covering how she was really doing.

Noelle's smile was as genuine as it was customary. "Commander Soran? I'm Noelle Bennett. Care to follow me?"

Technically the answer to that was 'no'. But Soran followed her anyway. She looked at the two chairs set opposite each other, and sat down, back straight into the one closest to the door.

"May I get you something from the replicator?" Bennett asked, curious about the other woman's silence but not bothered by it.

Soran held up a hand to forestall the offer of refreshments, "No, thank you. If its all the same, I'd prefer to keep this as direct as possible. I don't require anything but the required evaluation."

"Fair enough," Noelle replied. This wasn't the first by the book approach she'd received and she was sure it wasn't going to be the last. The question was, was it designed to cover something up Soran didn't want her to see? Time would tell.

Bennett took a seat across from the other woman. "So, I understand you recently took some compassionate leave. What was that like for you?"

"It went by surprisingly quickly. I don't recall do anything of note, and yet its been a week already." Not one word was untrue, and yet it was all lies. "Losing people doesn't get any easier with experience."

Bennett was curious about the other woman's response. She would've thought someone who asked specifically for leave would report doing something particular with it, something desired, and something specifically designed to help her cope and come to terms. "So, it sounds like it was particularly helpful?"

Soran thought about it, considering her words with great care, "More than I thought it would be. I don't put a lot of stock in such things normally. But in this instance I'm prepared to admit I was wrong."

"How specifically did it help you?" Noelle asked.

I killed off the hallucination that's been following me since the Kzinti war "Before I would throw myself into work; by actually resting I've had to think about it. I can't see what I could have done differently. We were exploring an apparently uninhabited temple. We didn't even register life forms. How could we have defended against what we couldn't detect? For once, its not my fault."

Soran was saying all the right things, but Noelle's job was to pay attention just as much to what was not being said as to what was. If true, it was progress of the other woman had taken time to care for herself and to reflect realistically about the circumstances surrounding her loss, but two small words told her there was more than meets the eye. "For once? What does that mean?"

Martiza kept her wince internal. She'd been so close to getting out with a clean bill of health in only a few minutes. "Last week wasn't the first time I've had casualties under my command. I've lost two ships, one where I was the only survivor."

Noelle recalled as much from the records she'd reviewed, but it was still shocking to hear aloud. "And you blamed yourself each time?" Bennett replied, asking the unspoken question.

"The Serenity flew into a kzinti trap. super saturated radiation cloud. With the benefit of hindsight, I can think of about a half dozen things I could have done to spot it, another dozen to prevent the loss of the ship. The Onedin. I'm sure I could have done something about the long range sensors. We were at war after all. They never should have been able to surprise us if I'd forced the issue of the sensors with the captain."

"Hindsight could make us all heroes," Bennett pointed out. "The trick is remembering what actually happened and thinking realistically about what you were capable of at the time. It isn't fair to judge your younger self according to your older self's experience."

"If I'd taken a slug, I'd have the experience." She didn't look at the counsellor, but stared at the floor, tone bitter. "I needed to be better, without benefit of a slug, and I screwed up. How are people supposed to believe that you don't need one to be complete and successful person if I can't even keep my own crew alive?"

"What people are we talking about?" Noelle asked. "I know plenty of people who aren't built to 'take a slug' as you call it, who feel plenty complete and successful."

"Trill. All Trill. At the moment we pack a symbiont into the brightest and the best, they stab each other in the back - metaphorically - for a chance at joining. Being able to take a symbiont is rare. Only for the best of the best. And anyone who can't is pitied. Anyone who won't is considered a freak."

"According to other Trill," Noelle repeated for emphasis. "I'm wondering why you're comparing yourself to Trill standards at this point when you've set other standards for yourself with Starfleet that have nothing to do with whether you have a slug inside you."

"Trill is what counts. Starfleet is just a means to an end. Everything is geared to the needs of the slug. They get our brightest and our best, and if you don't have one, you're at best, half a person, at worst. We define ourselves by our ability to carry a symbiont. Until everyone starts seeing non-joined trill doing big things, great things, everyone waits for the joined to do the work." maritza snarled, the bitterness thick enough to touch. " And all I've done is make a mess."

"I wouldn't call reaching the rank of lieutenant commander and becoming second executive officer making a mess," Noelle pointed out. "When would you say these feelings of being half a person and a screwup started?" Noelle was trying to determine if this was the grief talking, or something more chronic.

"Its not a feeling its a fact," the trill snapped back at her. The woman's questions were beginning to give her a headache. "If you'd lived on trill you'd know that. All you ever hear is symbiosis this, joining that. This will give you credit with the comission, that will make you a more appealing candidate." Maritza got to her feet, feeling full of nervous energy she didn't know what to do with, and paced to the porthole at the side of Noelle's office and glared at the stars. "Everywhere I go, people die. I should be making contributions, discoveries, advancements." her voice was rising, reaching a shout. "Instead, I'm getting people killed!"

"You've experienced a great deal of loss in your career, perhaps even more than your fair share," Noelle allowed. "However, you even said it yourself, in this case, it wasn't your fault. That tells me there's a part of you that understands, as awful as it is, as unfair as it is, that loss is part of the Starfleet experience and that sometimes, there's nothing anyone can do. I know when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to remember, but try to keep in mind, you have every right to grieve your losses and feel however you feel regardless of whether there's someone to blame." Bennett paused, then added, "I get the sense you've been suppressing a great deal of trauma for a long time because there's some part of you that doesn't feel you have the right to those feelings, but that's the thing about feelings. They just are. Like a headache, they come whether it makes sense or not."

Shit. Maritza realised she was losing control of her temper, and her feelings. She had to shut this down fast. "Doctor, all I need is a sign off so I can get back to work. T'Vaurek is under house arrest, and Aldrex is trying to juggle the station, and the Diplomatic situation all by himself. DS5 and its environs are considered a more than full time job for three people, and I can't be out of commission for any longer. "

"An overwhelming workload isn't an acceptable reason for me to sign off on a psychological evaluation," Noelle replied patiently. "It's clear you're carrying around a great deal of self blame and are struggling to feel good about yourself in light of all you've experienced, with this most recent experience exacerbating all of those feelings. It would be unethical and professionally irresponsible of me to clear you for duty right now."

"Its also irresponsible for you to endanger the station by refusing to grant clearance." Soran pointed out, "I'm not suicidal. I'm not a risk to myself, or to others. I'm not experiencing any symptoms of trauma or stress," any more, "you have no reason to withhold a sign off."

"Says you," Noelle replied matter-of-factly. "If I suspect you're not being completely truthful with me, and I do, then I have no information one way or the other and I have to err on the side of caution." Bennett paused, then offered, "I'll tell you what. If you can tell me, honestly, how you spent your leave, then I'll consider giving you a conditional clearance, provided you participate in counseling with me every day until I'm satisfied you're well enough."

Soran bit back a snarl. More time raking over the coals of her failure was the last thing she wanted. And she had no idea what she had done in the missing week. She made a huffing sound to cover her delay. "Very well. The honest answer is I spent the week in bed reading The Romance of Ravenglass. It's an epic of Trill literature and if it were published on paper would probably be about forty centimetres thick. So far I'm on volume four."

Soran's irritation did nothing to change Noelle's mind about her fitness for duty. Not quite sure she believed this explanation either, she asked, "I don't understand. If it's true you spent time reading, why would you lie to me about that?"

"Let me clarify, I spent the week away with the fairies -metaphorically - instead of doing all the things that should be done when you get some one killed." It was all lies but she had Ravenglass enough times that she could fake it.

Soran's answer just created more questions for Noelle. If anything the woman was now offering was true, it still didn't explain why she avoided doing whatever it was she intended to move past her trauma, and it certainly didn't give Bennett any more confidence she was fit for duty. Bennett had a choice. She could ask more questions or simply make a decision. She chose the latter.

"I don't believe you, and it's clear to me you're not interested in telling me the truth. While I don't believe you are in imminent danger to yourself or others, I'm not prepared to fully clear you for duty. I'll grant you provisional clearance, provided you come see me every day until such time as I can clear you fully."

Martiza ground her teeth. More time witht his woman was not what she wanted, but if it got the job done. "Thank you." She rose to leave. "I will see you tomorrow."
[tag]

::OFF::

A JP Between

Lt. COmmander Martiza Soran
2XO\Chief of Strategic Operations

&

Lieutenant (JG) Noelle Bennett, M.D.
Chief Counselor

 

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