"For the night is dark and full of terrors"

Posted on Fri Jan 29, 2016 @ 8:31am by Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett M.D. & Lieutenant Liam Reynolds

2,488 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Pangaea (Wrap up)
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: MD11, 1500 hrs.

"I had a flashback," Liam told her simply. He was just straight in this time. If Dr Bennett had worried he was good at withholding, she was not getting that now. As soon as the pleasantries of hello were over, Liam was immediately talking. "At dinner with friends. They had also invited the owner of the box of delights business and she was .... "projecting". I guess her race can do that. I don't think she knew she was doing that but she said things about what happened to someone she knew and I guess it resonated with me. Then I went to bed and dreamed."

"How did you cope with all of that?" Noelle asked. She was interested in the details of the dream and the flashback, of course, but more importantly, she wanted to understand how Liam was coping with each of these things. Flashbacks and vivid dreams were quite common after trauma and not in themselves cause for concern.

"Don't judge," Liam said. "I made an excuse to go to the bathroom so I could collect myself and reinforce my internal shields. When I say projecting, it was like what she was talking about I felt it physically as well as emotionally. It was like I was punched in the face, nose felt broken and then feeling pinned down at the same time as her anger at who she was talking about was smacking me emotionally. It wasn't nice. I suppose I can put some of it down to being out of practice. I have just come from awhile planetside with my own people. All who know to not release this stuff at each other to moving to a gigantic space station full of people who are just going about their daily lives and have no idea anything they are feeling can affect empaths. There's so many more people here than on any ship I have ever served on. I have to get better at tuning it out. It's proving to be a wake up call."

"No judgment here," Noelle replied honestly. "It sounds like you were in a very difficult spot and you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself. You weren't self-destructive, you were out of control, you just handled it. It also sounds like you have a bit of a plan coming together to help you cope in the future, all of which is very healthy."

"Right," Liam said quietly. He knew she was being nice and saying all the right things but in his head he felt a failure struggling with this. He shouldn't be struggling. Okay occasionally someone in some race surprised you. New aliens definitely. It had happened before but he had never needed to "take a minute" and disappear off a bridge or something. Perhaps it had been what the experience had triggered afterwards that had him more rattled he mused internally.

"I take it something else is troubling you beside your flashback?" Noelle asked.

"The dream yes. There were needles. Lots of needles - all over. When they took the DNA to do tests. I was back strapped to that bed, unable to move with the needles going in. But there was someone else. Additional to the normal female subjecting me to that. There was a male. I couldn't see him. I couldn't sense him from the drugs they had me under but I heard him. They had been looking for something and managed to find it. Barely he said. So she had to start from scratch on the baseline tests again. I woke up in a sweat when the needles went in again," he told her.

"I can't imagine how terrible that must've been for you," Noelle replied, suppressing a shudder. "However, it sounds like you're remembering more details, which is good for your recovery in the long run."

"Agreed. I think," Liam said. Maybe he had locked these memories away for good reason.

"My brothers found me," he said suddenly. "I got a message from his ship."

"Oh?" It was an unexpected transition.

"I ignored it. Well deleted it," Liam said simply.

Her response was as simple as it was diagnostic. "Why?"

"Well it transpired he betrayed me and had an affair with my first fiancé Sydney years ago, who upped and left me and now I find out he has a secret love child with her. And he didn't make life easy with my last girlfriend," Liam stopped for a moment. That was progress. He could now refer to Haku as his ex/ last girlfriend it seemed.

"None of my other friends who have met him think well of him. Amia doesn't like him. Cade tolerates him. They put on a nice face for my sake but I know. I always know when someone does that or lies to protect me. Don't think I am not grateful. Sometimes I need that from my friends. I once had it described as "freckles." Everyone has issues, being my species there always in front of you no matter if you want to see them or not and as a counselor you will see things too, ....... so you just learn to move past some of the "freckles," he added. He doubted it made much sense to her. "Some issues are cosmetic, some are much deeper. You pick your battles."

"And I take it these are much deeper?" Noelle asked, learning how to see past Liam's efforts to say all the right things and address the issues that were really bothering him.

"I'm fed up of him thinking he can control my life along with the rest of them and quite plainly I am pissed off with him. He's my twin. Betazoid twins. Linked telepathically, emotionally. I'm not supposed to be treated this way. I already have an unstable half brother who swings back and forth to hate and blame to me for secrets of the past which I was just as much in the dark as he was. I don't need this from Jon too. So I am cutting him out for as long as a can until he just shows up here and I have to forgive him. He will show up here though. It will be interesting to see at what point. And if I keep my resolve."

"So basically, you're putting your head in the sand and planning to avoid the issues that are bothering you until such time someone else makes the decision for you, at which point you may give more of your power away by not expressing the feelings that kept you martyred all that time to begin with?" Noelle asked, half teasing, half not.

"I know I sound like a child, petty even. I know if I was in your chair I would be "advising life is too short and how lucky I am to have a family no matter how fractured and well crazy, things are always fixable with a little work right?" ...... but Doctor right this is what I need to do," Liam said firmly. "It always comes down to me having to do the fixing. So I am refusing."

"No, you're delaying," Noelle pointed out. "According to you, on top of that, you're delaying just so you can cave later. That isn't fixing anything, that's sowing the seeds to justify future resentment."

"Do you have siblings Doctor?" Liam asked interested.

"No," Noelle replied, "but before you start saying that means I can't relate to why this is different, consider that a relationship is a relationship."

“There is greatness in doing something you hate for the sake of someone you love,” Liam stated simply.

Noelle nodded. "Even when that someone is yourself."

"The resentment is already here. It's too late. And I will deal with it. When I and Jon are ready. Not just because he needs to resolve himself right now. Look doctor I know you mean the best and your smart. I like you ...."

"Flattery will not distract me," Noelle replied dryly, taking his comments in good humor.

"Professionally," he added quickly. "You're a good counselor. No you're a brilliant one .... I have read your record. I asked around after our first session .....," he took a deep breath. "You can label this delaying if you like. I don't care. But you cannot relate to this as you are not betazed and believe me, in doing this for the first time in my life I am not caving in to him."

Noelle shrugged. "You have free will and the right to make your own choices. I know that, and I don't consider it a personal failure if you decide to do the opposite of what we talk about. That said, you are here for a reason. Somehow I don't think it's to tell me 'thanks, but no thanks.'"

Liam opened his mouth to say something and then he realised he didn't really have a response to the last part of that.

Noelle let the silence last between them, knowing it could be useful and eventually Liam would break it.

"Perhaps I have decided to live as a counselor again vicarious through you," he challenged obnoxiously and suddenly.

Unfazed, Noelle asked, "Is that what you're doing?"

"Maybe I think there needs to be less talk between us and more .......... more hypnosis," he said, "But despite me asking around and thinking you're good at what you do, I didn't want to appear rude."

"I think it's important for you to develop coping skills to manage your memories before we start pulling out more," Noelle replied. "Hypnosis may be a tool I will consider later, but not now."

"I think now being on the receiving end of the counseling profession I understand why people think the things they do about it," Liam groused. "Its very annoying this. I know how to get to the route of it, open it up so we can avoid what could potentially be months of my consciousness slowly letting go of and drip feeding me information and that is hypnosis!!!"

Noelle wasn't bothered by Liam's jab at her or their mutual profession. She saw it for what it was: an attempt at deflection. What she was more interested in was why he was suddenly so agitated at the prospect of facing what he'd insisted he address. "Hypnosis won't help you process what you already know and need time to process. Dumping more on you to sort through is not only unwise but unethical."

Liam actually found himself swearing in Betazed. "The purification society is up to something. I want to prove it. Get me in a trace."

"No," Noelle replied more firmly. "As I said, it would be unethical of me to do hypnosis at this stage of your recovery."

When she refused again, Liam retaliated and did a quick simple sweep of her emotions which told him she definitely was not going to budge. His initial assessment of stubborn was bang on. Also part of her was intrigued.

"Okay doc, lets do it your way," he stated chiding himself for swearing and reigning back in his calm. This was however going to take too long. So likely she wouldn't like it but he was going to have to find another way to get hypnotised faster. Perhaps he could work on setting up a holoprogramme where he did it himself.

"How are you going to know for sure I am coping. We have a problem here. I know exactly the right things to say to you to make you think I am coping. You can't read me emotionally so you wouldn't have a clue if I say the things you want me to hear just to get us to that hypnosis faster. The only way you're going to see for sure I am coping is if your around at the time I have another situation where a memory comes back. You could spend some time observing me in different settings but there's no guarantee something would happen when you were around."

Noelle shrugged. "If you or anyone else decides to be dishonest with me, I can't change that. You're responsible for your choices and you're the one who ultimately has to decide whether you want to get better or worse. Being dishonest with me ultimately only hurts you."

There was such fierce honesty in her, both in her eyes and face and what she was emotionally projecting that it impressed Liam. Very much so. He was not used to full on honesty from humans and genuine conviction to carry it out. And it also made him feel horrible.

"Your right," he said simply. "I shouldn't have sworn and I shouldn't have said that, as I'm not a liar. I apologise. I have been brought up better than that and I ...... I was trying to force the situation my way. Which was wrong. And not my normal behaviour. I just .... " he wasn't sure what to do with his hands or how he could explain why this was suddenly bothering him so much when their first meeting all he wanted to do was keep it buried somewhat.

"I feel like these people are up to more and I have something in there that can bring light to it. I can't explain it or why its so important to me now. It just is," he told her.

"No apologies are necessary," Noelle reassured. "I don't blame you for being frustrated or for wanting to take control of a situation that reminds you of how little control you had. I'm not judging you for getting angry or for swearing."

"Thank you," Liam said simply. Perhaps he was nervous about the summit kicking off in the morning. Maybe that was playing haywire with him too.

"What did you think to last night?" he asked. "Did you get a chance to meet any of the delegates?" he had a feeling she hadn't as he had dragged her on the dance floor. Again that had surprised him as he hadn't planned on dancing at all. Then it had been all but over, Cade making his speech.

"Not really," she answered. "I said hello to a few but mostly enjoyed my time on the dance floor with you. It was fun."

Liam grinned despite himself knowing he was in dangerous territory from his conversation with Cade a few days earlier. He certainly hadn't planned on dancing but she was right it had been fun. "You need more fun doc. It suited you," he said simply.

"I'll keep that in mind," Noelle offered simply, but with a small smile. She appreciated the dance but was mindful to keep appropriate boundaries in place. Liam was her counseling client and it would be important to try and keep the lines clear, even if that was a difficult thing aboard a starship.

Lieutenant Liam Reynolds
CDO

Lieutenant JG Noelle Bennett, M.D.
Chief Counselor

 

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